Apologies for not having posted anything yesterday. I was pretty busy with some group stuff for the most part and spent a huge amount of time talking about What Ana Means To Me in the Pro-Ana Lifestyle Choice group I'm a member of.
At the risk of repeating myself, I'm going to copy and paste one of posts from yesterday. It's not that I don't have anything new and original to say, I just felt that I actually managed to sum up the way I think and feel about being Pro-Ana really succinctly in this post and wanted to bring it here for posterity.
If you've already read this, I apologise for the repetition, but being as how this is a Pro-Ana Blog in a community where we all read each other's blogs for support, advice, knowledge and reassurance, I thought it might be of some use to someone in the future who might come across these ramblings and like what they read. So without further ado, here are questions I put to the group and the answers I myself came up with:
Q/ What does being/walking with Ana or Mia mean to you?
A/ Walking with Ana and embracing all that this lifestyle entails, to me means being prepared to go above and beyond what the majority of people would be prepared to do, in order to become more than what the majority of people could ever hope to be. I think it is something that sets us apart from the rest of society, our ability and willingness to push ourselves further, to deny ourselves the very thing that is supposed to nourish us and the desire to have total control over our instincts and desires. “Quod me nutrit me destruit.”
Being Ana - to me - isn’t just about vanity and the sole pursuit of thin-ness. It is a huge part of this lifestyle choice, but there are other factors. I think being Ana is about elevating oneself to a state of higher achievement and awareness. It is about being able to have complete control over every aspect of our lives and about always managing to maintain perfect grace and composure when all around us are flailing in panic. It is about setting goals and working towards achieving them. It’s about never allowing ourselves to quit in moments of weakness or hopelessness. It’s about being strong.
I also believe in this Pro-Ana group because I want us all as a secret community of like-minded individuals to aspire to be and work together to become, the beautiful, intelligent, controlled, composed, powerful strong elite we should be.
Q/ What are you hoping to gain most from this lifestyle?
A/ Lots of things. From a purely aesthetical perspective, I want to be beautiful. I know I was blessed with good looks, I just seem to have chosen to shroud these attributes in a fat suit for the past 25 years. I want Ana to help me bring about enough changes in my mindset, my attitude to food/self control/pride/composure, my interaction with other people and my whole life really.
I want to draw strength from times of hardship and difficulty. I want to develop my resourcefulness, my resilience and my ability to succeed. I want to set targets and consistently smash them. I want to be great.
I want other people to look at me and see a slim, beautiful, immaculately dressed, perfectly made up, graceful, intelligent, charming, fierce yet utterly adorable young woman and wish desperately that they could be half as good as me. I want to be referred to as ‘the beautiful, intelligent and successful one.’ I want lesser individuals with zero self control to be envious of me and what I represent. I want them to hate me and admire in equal parts.
I want to be everything they’re not.
Q/ What have you found hardest about it so far?
A/ Keeping it a secret from other people has been difficult. My partner knows I’m on a diet and whilst he’s supportive of me embracing a new eating plan in order to feel better about myself, I don’t think he’d be too happy to find out I’m walking with Ana (and sometimes Mia - some tips on more successful lunch dates with Mia further down in this post!). I don’t think I could make him understand the way in which I’m using this way of life to make me a better person. In being Ana I’m developing my self control. That newly acquired self control and strength will in turn have an almost circular knock on affect of being able to take a controlled approach to adopting this Ana lifestyle and not let it take control of me. Those who allow this way of life to become an eating disorder that controls them are completely missing the point and not being an Ana in the greatest sense of the word.
Q/ What have you found the easiest?
A/ Dealing with hunger. Maybe my stomach is shrinking through eating gradually smaller amounts, maybe it’s the appetite suppressing properties of the Chromium and Gymnema Sylvestre in the Maximum Lipotropics I’ve been taking or maybe perhaps it has something to do with the endless cups of Pu-er, oolong, green and slimming teas I’ve been sipping. I don’t know. I do know that I’ve been feeling less hungry and when I am hungry I’m able to almost embrace the feeling and instead of falling victim to cravings, I actually find myself feeling proud of my ability to not succumb to the basest of instincts.
Q/ What has surprised you the most?
A/ Er, how much I enjoy living this way and how well I have learned to restrict. I’ve also loved getting to be a part of this group and getting to chat with fellow minded ladies. As a rule I tend not to befriend too many women out here in the real world. But I like having this secret community of Ana sisters to chat with, learn from and just generally sound of around. I’m surprised at how much I have begun immersing myself in this whole lifestyle.
Q/ What things do you consider 'lifesavers' that help you get by each day? Foodstuffs, websites, exercises, music, distractions, drinks....
A/ Oh lots of things. Here are just a few:
- Special K bars and bites - These are in my desk at work and are what I turn to when the prevalence of cakes & biscuits and the temptation to consume some, become a little overwhelming.
- Sugar free flavoured Volvic - It can sometimes be hard to drink enough plain water, so a slightly flavoured alternative is a welcome addition to my day. By staying hydrated I don’t find myself mistaking a thirst for a hunger and I keep my stomach full, my hands occupied and my skin that little bit clearer),
- Batchelors Cup-a-Soup and their Slim-a-Soup counterparts - In the US and Canada the product is manufactured and marketed by Unilever's Lipton brand; these are what I usually have for lunch at work. They are easy to store in my desk, easy to carry around in my bag, easy to prepare and come in loads of flavours - although whilst they taste pretty good, they do need a little salt and pepper in them to truly bring them to life!
- Chewing Gum - I chew Mentos Sugar-Free with Green Tea extract in spearmint. Great tasting, long lasting and very breath freshening. Good to have on hand after lunches with Mia too!
- Sugar Free Red Bull - We all need a good caffeine injection from time to time but regular Red Bull (and other subsequent high caffeine/taurine based energy drinks) is FULL of sugar! Having a few cans of the sugar free variety is always good for when I’m feeling sleepy or sluggish and the caffeine also keeps the metabolism ticking over too - bonus!
- Fruit - I always have a couple of bananas, some apples and some grapefruit in my drawer and I’ve got clementines, grapes, melon, pineapple and peaches at home. The great thing about fruit is that we’re all supposed to eat more of it so telling folks you’re ‘just trying to get the 5-a-day’ into you isn’t going to draw too much attention to your diet. You can also tell them that you’re trying to improve your skin by eating more vitamin containing fruits or that you’re trying to up your fibre intake for good bowel health. Add to that the low calorie benefits and as long as you’re not going overboard with it, fruit is one of the best things you can keep to hand. Not to mention the fact that it TASTES great!
N.B. Whilst bananas are considered to be a little to high in calories for us Ana ladies to consume, please think again. A large banana contains about 130 cals (give or take). It ALSO contains a LOT of potassium. One of the deficiencies most documented with those who suffer an anorexic eating disorder, is potassium deficiency. Without enough potassium your heart will suffer and that kind of problem is enough to get you frog marched to your nearest eating disorder clinic. I recommend eating one for breakfast. I have one first thing and try to take my vitamins at the same time.
I take a Wellwoman multivitamin and mineral supplement, two Osteocare caplets (another great Vitabiotics supplement which can improve bone density and health - another area Ana can be deficient in!), EFA, Starflower Oil, Cod Liver Oil and Kelp extract. I also have a Berocca most days and a soluble Echinacea drink supplement from Tesco.) Vitamins A, D, E and K are all fat soluble vitamins, so I try to take them with a banana as it contains a small amount of fat, but also at the same time as my Starflower and fish oil supplements too. There really is no point taking them if your body can’t utilise them!
- Fat free yoghurts - at about 70 cals a pot, these are a great source of calcium and are very convenient. I like Danone Activia. These are supposed to be good for digestive health, which again is something you can point out to ‘concerned’ friends or family members. Some of them come with extra fibre in them which is supposed to fill you up for longer too.
- Lollipops - Just your everyday, regular, run of the mill lollipop. Doesn’t have to be a Hoodia one (the jury is still out on whether these actually work) or a sugar free one, just a bog standard 15p lollipop from your newsagent or drugstore is fine. I keep these on hand for a few reasons: sometimes I NEED to have something sweet, sometimes I need to have something to occupy my hands, sometimes I need to just feel the sensation of having something in my mouth and sometimes I like to have them ready in case I’m going to be in a situation when someone might offer me something. If I’m eating a lolly I’m not going to want a bit of whatever they have. Nor do I need to order something for myself. It also gives the impression of me actually eating something that isn’t particularly healthy which can fool folks into thinking I’m eating normally.
- Vicks Vapour Rub - Smear a little under your nose and just inside your nostrils and food smells will be less powerful and seductive to you. Great if you’re going to a café or restaurant or somewhere with an alluring smell. The great thing about this is that people generally assume you have a bit of a cold when you use this stuff, so you have the perfect excuse for being ‘off your food!’
- Hard work/heavy schedule - Sounds silly, but hear me out. One of the easiest ways to avoid having to eat is by either working through your lunch break (diligence is generally looked upon favourably, especially when it pays off) or quite simply by telling folks you need to shoot off into town during your dinner break or run a few errands as you’re ‘so busy’ with everything else right now, you just don’t have the time. People don’t question this and if you occasionally come back with an empty wrapper, you’ll throw them completely off the scent!
- Andrews Salts - This one is for those of us who occasionally meet with Mia for lunch or dinner. Those who don’t should just skip this one. Those of you who want a little advice on how to lunch with Mia more safely and effectively, read on.
The problem I think many of us encounter with these little ‘lunch dates’ are twofold:
Firstly, they generally come about as the result of a hastily consumed binge of whatever foodstuffs we have to hand, thus resulting in a chaotic, unrestrained period of gorging.
Secondly, they can bring about damage to the oesophagus and teeth by repeatedly exposing said areas to the harsh hydrochloric acid in our stomachs. Both of these problems can make dinner with Mia unpleasant and dangerous; I however have the answer to this!
Vomiting in itself, is not an altogether bad thing. The human body is able to do it for a reason and this usually is to help evacuate the stomach of any contents unsuitable for consumption and digestion. When you have food poisoning, what does your body do? It expels the very thing you have contaminated it with, generally from both ends. So we know that this is a function the body is able to carry out quite simply. I also ask you to think about pregnant women. They suffer morning sickness for anything from a few weeks to the entire duration of their pregnancy. Whilst it is unpleasant it is not (except in the cases where the woman in question is unable to keep ANY nutrients in her body) a life threatening condition and is something the human body is somewhat programmed to do. I would also like to bring your attention to the Romans. Thought of as one of the most civilised, intelligent, hedonistic and enlightened of people, the ancient Romans used to voluntarily purge after great feasts in order to allow themselves more room to consume.
(N.B. Whilst the practice of vomiting after a meal was quite commonplace in ancient Rome, do not be lulled into the belief in a specifically designed vomitorium. A vomitorium is merely an architectural term used for the areas in which crowds could ‘spew out’ from an amphitheatre or stadium - the conflation of the two terms is a connection made fairly recently.)
Now, please do not misunderstand these references as being a testament to the 100% safe and effectiveness of binge-purging. I’m not. I am acutely aware of all the problems it entails, all the health risks, the discomfort, the inconvenience and the disgust. I know that vomiting is actually pretty gross. But I also know that in order to maintain this strict path of self control, I will on occasion need to employ it as a means of restricting how many calories are used by my body.
The trick to using purging in a much more safe and less destructive way, is through planning. Planning will actually make it a less painful, embarrassing and self destructive act that you get caught in cycles of. I know it’s not the kind of thing you’re used to hearing about but trust me, this works.
When the majority of us get caught up in a binge-purge moment, what has usually happened is something we failed to plan for or take control of. We might have skipped way too many calories that day and our brain has switched us into overdrive. We may have worked out a little harder and as a result find ourselves desperately needing to replenish our systems. We might have argued with our parents/partners/teachers/employers/friends/colleagues and in panic, turned to the one thing we used to rely on to comfort us, only to have to get rid of it when we realise what we’ve done.
Whatever our reasons, the majority of us binge and purge without intending to. And THAT is the problem. When the urge to binge hits us and we’re WAY beyond the point of reason/talking ourselves down, we make really poor choices. In zombie like fashion we cram fistful upon fistful of gloriously indulgent foods into our disgustingly fat mouths - and sometimes it’s not even a case of eating something particularly nice or enticing; sometimes we ‘come-to’ after a binge, only to find ourselves standing in the middle of the kitchen and strewn around us, the remnants of weird and somewhat unappealing foodstuffs like cold tins of beans, entire packets of ham, boxes of weetabix, frozen pizzas (I know some of you will have been there!!), loaves of bread, cartons of soup, wedges of pate…anything we were able to get our grubby little mitts on!
And then we need to get rid of it.
Purging is, by its very nature, a fairly unpleasant experience. At least when you’re ill it’s automatic and you don’t have to put any real effort into it. You’ll also be aware of that thing your mouth and throat does before you automatically throw up: it starts to produce a bucket load of saliva to kind of help lubricate the forthcoming vomitus. When you purge intentionally you don’t have that added bonus.
When you’ve binged without planning, you haven’t had the time or the inclination to try and figure out which foods are going to be easier to bring back up again. Some of us will sometimes be more aware of this and as a result will try to hone in on the more easily purged foodstuffs, but a lot of the time, when you’re in the grip of a binge, it’s all you can to do remember to breathe in between mouthfuls and it’s only afterwards that you truly realise what you’ve just consumed. As some of you will already know, there are some pretty awkward things out there to try and get back out once you’ve binged on them: bread, pastry, heavier cakes and biscuits, chunks of meat, anything dry and lumpy and fairly solid. And sometimes all the water in the world won’t help once it’s all started to coagulate and solidify in your gut.
So what are you supposed to do? And what the hell has ‘Andrews Salts’ got to do with it? Well, let me share with you a couple of tips and tricks. One of the problems with purging is the acid. Purging brings up the pretty strong, damaging hydrochloric acid from the stomach cavity (where a thick mucus protects it from being burned through/destroyed) to the unprotected oesophagus, throat and mouth. Repeated purging as you all know can result in a raw, burned throat & mouth and the erosion of tooth enamel leading to decay and tooth loss. That is where the Andrews Salts come in. I’m not sure what they’re called/marketed as/referred to in your respective countries, but over here it’s a kind of stomach settler that helps to reduce nausea, alleviate acid reflux, relieve constipation and the consequences of overindulgence.
But that’s not all they do. One of the reasons listed on the pack was to help alleviate acid reflux and heartburn. It does this by helping to neutralise the acid in your stomach a lot like Gaviscon or Rennie does. Can you see where I’m going with this? Basically, you need to have some of this stuff ready to hand whenever you’re going to binge/purge. It’s a fairly innocuous product to have lying about as no one really thinks twice about indigestion remedies (the upshot of this is also that if people think you suffer from indigestion, you have another excuse as to why you’re not eating any rich, creamy stuff. Bonus!)
What you need to do BEFORE you start to binge, is make up two glasses of the stuff - each containing 3 spoonfuls of powder diluted with water (it says to use 2 spoonfuls on the directions, but you’re not going to be keeping all this in your system!) Chug back most of the first glass before you even start to eat and drink the rest of it and the second one in between mouthfuls of your binge. What you’re basically doing is a/ stopping the acid in your stomach from starting to break down and absorb any of the stuff in the food, b/ keeping lots of moisture in the food to make it softer and easier to purge, c/ using something that is slightly carbonated to help mobilise the food and d/ neutralising the acid in your stomach so that when you bring it back up again it won’t be as harsh on your oesophagus, throat and teeth.
This is a method I’ve been using for a while now and I can definitely feel the difference. My throat isn’t raw and my teeth aren’t rotting! However, to complete this controlled purging process, you really MUST follow it up with the consumption of one of a those very low cal, fat free probiotic drinks (again this makes you look to the casual observer like someone who cares about their health!) to allow your stomach to return to it’s natural state. It is also advisable to use a mouthwash straight afterwards too. DON’T brush your teeth or you will be allowing any remaining acid to be scrubbed into the enamel of your teeth. Using a mouthwash however, will continue to neutralise, freshen your breath and make you feel a lot cleaner. Chew some gum too - you can clean your teeth an hour or so later. And don't forget to stay hydrated by drinking water and herbal teas for the remainder of the day. If you ever find yourself getting into a bad cycle of binge-purging (and sometimes we all have an off day) it's worth have a box of rehydration sachets on hand to keep your electrolyte balance in check. If you don't you won't be able to stay hydrated, you will suffer leg cramps and restlessness and your body will retain water which will show up on the scales as extra weight. Ongoing imbalances can cause heart problems too so you do not want an electrolyte imbalance!
Simple huh? But VERY effective. However, I know a few of you will be wondering, how, if you’re in the middle of one of those all-consuming, autopilot binges, when you’re past the point of being able to steer yourself away from the whole binge/purge process, how are you going to have the presence of mind to be able to prepare two glasses of Andrews Salts?
By planning. Your binges that is. I know some of you will already be in the mindset where you pick and choose a day in advance where you can look forward to a binge, but most of us just end up losing the plot and having random feeding-frenzies when we least expect/want them. And that’s the problem. Ill conceived binges that you haven’t planned will hurt more and be more dangerous to you in the long run.
If like me, you KNOW that you will have those wonky moments where you just NEED to binge, then you need to plan for it. I have a binging box. In my bedroom I have a filing cabinet. It’s lockable and the key is on my keychain in my handbag that is normally in the living room. In it I have some of those items I love, miss and tend to want to eat more when I’m binging: Kit-Kats, chocolate brownies, Mini-Cheddars, FUDGE, Dairy Milk, walnuts, Nutella, cinder toffee, pork rinds, Haribo, Pringles and peanut butter. I like to have my own secret stash tucked away where I know it is, ready to be brought out when needed.
I actually like to plan a binge in advance so that I can think about all the other mundane stuff that makes it easier. If the other half is at home, I take my lap top or journal or a good book into the bedroom as he gets involved in one of his Xbox games. The good thing about this is, the games are fairly noisy which are a good blocker of sound and he’s usually so absorbed in them anyway, I could walk naked through the house wearing nothing but a feather boa and he wouldn’t even notice! It’s also great because there is nothing odd about hearing someone move from the bedroom to the toilet - hearing someone go from munching in the kitchen to running to the bathroom however, might raise a few eyebrows after a few incidences.
I pick an evening or the weekend, well in advance and might go out to the supermarket to choose a few additions to the box on one of the days leading up to my binge. The weird thing is, by doing this, I’m basically telling myself I can have ANYTHING I want. I’m not banning anything. By knowing that it’s coming, looking forward to it and even just being aware that the food is in the box, does actually lead to me forgoing the planned binges a lot of the time. Binging happens when you repeatedly deny yourself. But the psychological offshoot of having that stuff there ready so you AREN’T totally denying yourself is actually quite effective at staving off the urge to binge and purge!
However, I do indulge in them every so often and I really look forward to them. I keep a tub of the salts in the bedroom and another in the kitchen. I grab a glass of water before heading to the bedroom and make up a giant glass of the stuff (2 glass equivalent) right before I binge and work my way through the food and the drink. I also take off any make-up I’m wearing (runny eye make up anyone?) change into something comfy and tie my hair up. Then, when I’m done pigging out, I carefully, take all the wrappers and lock them back up in the filing cabinet (to be retrieved and disposed of later when I’m having a ‘quick tidy’ of the place) before heading to the bathroom to purge.
I’ve almost perfected the art of purging quietly and to be honest, it’s a lot easier when you’ve had those two glasses of the Andrews Salts beforehand. Like I said though, pick a moment when you’re not going to be disturbed and if you’re on your own all the better!
Finally I grab the probiotic, swish my mouth with mouthwash and scrub my hands clean. I also like to quickly use a face scrub on my face and apply a face mask too. This is good because a/ if anyone is about it can explain why you’ve been in the bathroom so long, b/ if your face is a bit swollen and puffy you can disguise it and c/ we’re in this to be beautiful so why the heck not?
Let’s be honest here. As much as we don’t like to admit it, most of us purge. Not always, not often and certainly not intentionally. I know there are a few who won’t/don’t and that’s great. But in this lifestyle we will come across Mia from time to time and rather than let her take hold of us and insidiously worm her way into every aspect of our lives, why not use her to our advantage? Why not take that special, resourceful strength and ability to plan, to our advantage and have Mia over to dinner every so often, completely on our terms. It’s another extension of our self control if we’re planning these bouts in advance and if we’re diffusing the dangers of it by addressing some of the issues like neutralising acids. Use your ability to make informed choices and control what you do, to take control of your binges. This will help you stay the path, avert suspicion and even binge/purge less.
Q/ What do you think would help you?
A/ I think that blogging, posting here and just generally being accountable for everything I eat, drink, binge, purge, think, do and say will give me insight and make me a stronger Ana. I also think that having you guys here to chat you and learn from and just have to sound off at will be a great release. I love the secrecy involved in this lifestyle but sometimes you really just need to blurt it all out. And I’m grateful to you guys for allowing me that.
Q/ What is your 'plan'?
A/ Well, as you’ve probably all already gleaned from this ridiculously long post, I’m all about planning. So far I plan to keep myself to a very low number of calories on most days with an occasional switch up to a higher number every so often to trick my body into thinking I’m not starving it.
The plan is to starve this fat ass of mine into submission, whilst developing a sense of grace and elegance, poise and determination. I want to address all of my shortcomings and issues of self esteem, using the Pro-Ana Lifestyle to help keep me focused, disciplined and on the path.
Above all I want to use self control as a means to self improvement. I want to be perfect and I know that I can be.
It's gonna happen ladies.
The group I'm referring to is Pro_ana_Lifestyle_Choice@yahoogroups.com. It's not my group but I know that we could always do with new Anas to contribute their tips, tricks, advice, musings, menus, problems, perspectives and support.
That's all for now, but I'll be back to post more later on.
Stay strong ladies
Ana Catch The Bus
This is the best post I've read from you so far. The idea of a binge-box is superb and planned binges sound like a lifesaver to me. This is the problem I've been encountering of late, I'll start to restrict and then binge. But I've been out of the purging cycle so long I just haven't been able to each time, which leads to guilt, frustration, self-hatred... and thus more bingeing. In an ongoing cycle of fatty mcfatfat. x
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there. I've just found what works for me and what hopefully will work for others too!
ReplyDelete